Any errors? Anything really unclear? ANYTHING AT ALL I NEED TO FIX? Seriously, harshness would so be loved. I'm not really here for ego-stroking, but thanks all the same Fee.
Post by TEAGAN TEAGAN TEAGAN TEAGAN TE on Dec 29, 2008 22:55:48 GMT -5
I hate it when I get responses like that when I actually care about a piece. Did you threaten to bash that person's head in unless he/she got serious? XD
The prologue is very intriguing. It's a good attention-getter. Well done.
For the first chapter, I recommend using a less blatant title. More importantly, you might want to change the details of it to separate it from Twilight. Stephenie Meyer posted the first part of the book (I believe she threw a fit and decided to not finish it?) online in Edward's perspective, and it looks very similar. The biology, the girl with brown hair, the acting... The bare basics. You need to make this something assertively unique. For example, you could exemplify a certain trait of Gabriel or a quirk to establish his personality. You could make it a humorous scene that's a little less obvious to the main plot of the story. This would make the readers more familiar with Gabriel and sympathize him with a little. You could also use it as a base for an anticlimax later. I hate to say it, but it looks pretty unoriginal right now.
In the first sentence of chapter two, the N in "Nor" needs to be lower-cased. Twelve paragraphs down, you have a space instead of a comma in the dialogue. Sixteenth paragraph, you've got "He'd doesn't bite." It also has "a flicker of suspicious there." You might wanna try "suspicions." Your last sentence of the first part has a space instead of a period. In the second section, the last paragraph has "a read-headed baseball jock." >.>
Anyway, more important stuff... I like the contrast of Beth's and Gabriel's personalities; about that, I would only recommend exaggerating it more. You could also express the main and secondary characters' personalities more by giving them more conversation and responses. The only negative thing I have about this chapter is that Roan and Gabriel reminisce a Bella-Edward relationship; you could change that by altering Roan's personality and by making it more distinct. Unless you're going to go through the plot starting with a cheesy typical love to its exact opposite at the end, I suggest you make their relationship more interesting.
Chapter three... Thirteenth paragraph is missing its end quote mark. Paragraph thirty-four "when Erik find out." Try "finds." In the second part where Gabriel tells his story, you need to put a quote mark at the beginning of each consecutive paragraph of his speech.
Roan nodded furiously, trying not to look hopeful. “Besides, if we kill her, we’d have to leave. And I like it here.” He was almost indifferent. Jackson broke away from Beth and flitted over to crouch in front of Roan, taking her injured hand with his pale, claw-like one. Beth stiffened, but Gabriel somehow managed to look unconcerned.
= paragraph merging awkwardness. Two paragraphs are stuck together.
What happens at the parking lot is a bit unclear, but this chapter feels back on track and is moving along smoothly. I recommend considering using multiple perspectives--I mean, all the action happens with Roan, but we only get to know very little about the actual event. I think it'd be cooler if you showed what happened to her through her, but that's a stylistic decision. Instead of using Gabriel to tell the story, you could do a detailed play-by-play flashback and then just say he told it without actually doing so. The audience is missing out on all of the actual excitement.
In paragraph four of chapter six, you've got a word-space-period-quote action going on in the beginning. The A in "A car key" needs to be lower-cased in the second part. In the third paragraph of the second part, you need to have a comma before "Gabriel" because he is being addressed. Second part, eighth paragraph, you need to stick a space between "house" and "(not". Same paragraph, "It took her a while to find the main highway, and once she did, he discovered she lived surprisingly close to her." She lived surprising close to her? Huh? The clarity of who is talking in the dialogue is a bit confusing.
You demonstrated their personalities through conversation marvelously in this section. I feel like the plot is only just beginning, and it's left me much more intrigued.
I think Erik is a rather flat bad-guy character, though. Maybe you should make their fight a humiliating defeat of Gabriel's and contrast their personalities more.
I like Gabriel's name--very ironic. Other than Roan's, the others seem kind of bland. It makes sense that, since the vampires are special, they'd have more unique names. You know, like Jaxon instead of Jackson. Since Roan is a human, it would also make sense that her name is more commonplace. That's all up to you, though.
I think the wrist thing seems out of place in the vampire's scuffle. Ripping out Gabriel's shoulder blade is really severe and over the top, but it does help convey Erik's violent, excessively brutal nature.
Personally (that's right--paragraphs later, I'm still going), I'd prefer to have more detail and description of the people, possibly the locations. All I know is that Roan has brown hair, it rained, Roan has a few bite scars, and Beth has a really old car. Oh, and that Beth is graceful and has uberwhite skin. You could really flesh out the characters.
Why do so many characters have red hair? Is that by accident?
...
That a good enough critique, love? I have to make up for FeeFee's incompetence .
Also, I think numbering the paragraphs would be a great help on here. <.<
Roan + Gabriel= Definitely not Bella and Edward. Truthfully, Roan was originally gonna get killed by Erik but I was told to skirt around that, but I might actually change it back, to give Gabriel more a reason for leaving. Also, I did have Jackson's attack on Roan written from her perspective, but I changed that too. If I can find that and figure out how to work it back in there, I'll probably put it back.
I got two red heads. The jock and Beth herself. *blinks*
This is really just a sort of rough draft, for me to get the plot outlined, but I will put huge font and underline it like eight times on my front page -DETAILS-.
Roan I didn't bother to detail too much cuz she's only signifigant in the first few chapters. She might show up later, probably will, but I don't know. As for Erik tearing out Gabriel's shoulder blade...Excellent. *scribbles note* You are my lifesaver.
Post by Felix I. Genero on Sept 3, 2009 20:46:49 GMT -5
o.O That's genius. Zombies with personalities and Necromancer turned into Vampires. It was entertaining and intriguing , especially with the new ideas of mixing evil characters with main/good personalities.
Now for the bad news: reading it a second time i understood what was going on, but the first time through it totally got mixed up with who was who and who was doing what. It might seem repetitive to you to tell us what species a certain character is every time they show up for the first twenty times, but it might be worth it. Dunno, that's my critique, i adore the idea though.
goddamn gigantic-ass image resized by orca. you're welcome.
I got that on my reviews, about the millions of characters and stuff, so I'm defintitely going to go back and fix all that. As for the calling them by their race, saying just 'he' or 'she' seemed confusing to me, and it kept clear on who was what. But I don't know. <3
Post by TEAGAN TEAGAN TEAGAN TEAGAN TE on Sept 5, 2009 10:19:05 GMT -5
I understood it the first time through. I really like the ideas you incorporated into this. It's not just a bunch of we're-totally-awesome-vampires hooplah. Instead, you've also got a necromancer, a zombie, a leopard-thing... Very original.
The voice of the main character was easy to follow, and it made her feel "real" as compared to a typical story-book character.
Teagan Offline: This board is full of nostalgia.
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