Post by branden on Jan 19, 2010 6:49:26 GMT -5
Branden sat quietly as Vivian responded, still gently holding her hand in his. He did wince inwardly when she said that she didn’t trust him, but he knew as well as anyone that that was perfectly justified, so he simply nodded silently and let her continue. He couldn’t help smiling sadly as her stutter became less pronounced when she was criticizing herself. Of course, that would be the subject she was most confident about. He was about to interject, but Vivian didn’t give him the opportunity.
“…you only care about m-me because I love you.”
And there it was. As Vivian wiped away a tear and continued, Branden had to remind himself to think. The casual way she had thrown that out, the first time she had said those words despite years of him suspecting it, and then years apart… perhaps she wasn’t aware, but that blatant admission of her feelings meant more to him than even he had suspected.
Branden blinked, swallowed, and focused on what Vivian was saying. Her hand stroked his hair softly as she asked him who he really was. The last time they met, he would have had no idea what that question meant, let alone how to answer it. He waited quietly, feeling the warmth of her skin on his hands, watching her bright blue eyes until she finished speaking. She took a breath and seemed to now be waiting for him to respond. Branden inhaled deeply and decided the best thing to was to answer her last question first.
“… do you honestly b-believe y-y-you're here on more than just a g-g-guilty conscience?"
“Yes,” he said quietly but firmly, looking deep into her eyes, willing her to see that what he was saying was the absolute truth. “It’s more than that. Yes, I feel terrible about our past, but I’m not here out of guilt.” He looked down for a moment, squeezing her hand lightly and letting out a soft sigh before continuing. What he had to say next was going to be a difficult subject for them both, but it needed to be said if he had any hopes of her trusting him, of her understanding that he meant every word.
“Branwen never loved me,” he said quietly, still looking down. This was one time when he found himself unable to meet her eyes. “That took much longer for me to realize than it should have, but it was an easier truth to come to than the fact that… I never loved her.” He smiled sadly to himself, taking a quick breath and forcing himself to continue. “I was young, and I was stupid. I thought she was all I wanted, but I never really knew her. She kept me around each time Zowan left, and each time I thought she would stay with me. But she was just using me as a replacement until she could have what she wanted.” The small smile on his face was sad and bitter as he stared down at their hands, tracing his thumb across her palm. “Sound familiar?”
“None of that excuses what I did to you. In fact, it makes it worse, because I should have seen.” Now he did look up into her eyes, and his voice was still quiet but impassioned as he said “Branwen was never what I wanted, never who I loved. I simply thought she was, because I was young and blind and wanted it to be true. But the whole time, every time she discarded me you were there to pick me up. And I always cared for you, Viv, even if I was too much of a bumbling fool to know what to do about it.”
His voice had begun to rise and he became aware that he was squeezing her hand tighter. Branden sat back a little and took a few measured breaths. He had to answer her questions. “You know Zowan and I never got along,” he continued quietly, the bitter understatement almost laughable. “After you left, things got… a little out of hand.” He shook his head as he told her “There was… a confrontation. I’ll tell you about it another time, but afterwards, I left. I couldn’t be there anymore, and I had to find you. When I couldn’t… I went home.”
He lifted her hand in his and touched it lightly to his left cheek, tracing her fingertips over the ugly scar he had seen her eyes linger on. “I went home to Australia, and this..” He let out a short, bitter laugh and his voice was thick with sarcasm. “This… was a gift, from my father.” He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts, then opened them to look again on Vivian’s beautiful face. “I’ll tell you all about it if you want, but I need you to understand.” He squeezed her hand again, cradling it in his own. “You are beautiful to me, Vivian, and you always have been. I’m so glad to have finally found you, more than I can say. But…” He took a breath and paused for a moment, watching her eyes. He didn’t want to say this, but he knew it was the right thing.
Branden slowly removed his hands from Vivian’s, and pulled away a little, saying softly “I understand if you want me to leave. I’ve just turned up in your life out of nowhere, and I know things might be easier without me. I’m not asking anything from you, I don’t expect anything, and you’re right not to trust me. If I could find some way to prove to you that I’m worth one more chance…” He moved slightly away from her on the bed, but he couldn’t bring himself to stand up, not yet. He looked back into her eyes. “If you want me to leave, I’ll go out that door and you’ll never see me again. But if you want me to stay, even for a little while…” He left the sentence hanging, suddenly lost for words. He had told her how he’d felt, tried to make her understand how ashamed he was of how stupid he had once been. Now it was up to Vivian.
“…you only care about m-me because I love you.”
And there it was. As Vivian wiped away a tear and continued, Branden had to remind himself to think. The casual way she had thrown that out, the first time she had said those words despite years of him suspecting it, and then years apart… perhaps she wasn’t aware, but that blatant admission of her feelings meant more to him than even he had suspected.
Branden blinked, swallowed, and focused on what Vivian was saying. Her hand stroked his hair softly as she asked him who he really was. The last time they met, he would have had no idea what that question meant, let alone how to answer it. He waited quietly, feeling the warmth of her skin on his hands, watching her bright blue eyes until she finished speaking. She took a breath and seemed to now be waiting for him to respond. Branden inhaled deeply and decided the best thing to was to answer her last question first.
“… do you honestly b-believe y-y-you're here on more than just a g-g-guilty conscience?"
“Yes,” he said quietly but firmly, looking deep into her eyes, willing her to see that what he was saying was the absolute truth. “It’s more than that. Yes, I feel terrible about our past, but I’m not here out of guilt.” He looked down for a moment, squeezing her hand lightly and letting out a soft sigh before continuing. What he had to say next was going to be a difficult subject for them both, but it needed to be said if he had any hopes of her trusting him, of her understanding that he meant every word.
“Branwen never loved me,” he said quietly, still looking down. This was one time when he found himself unable to meet her eyes. “That took much longer for me to realize than it should have, but it was an easier truth to come to than the fact that… I never loved her.” He smiled sadly to himself, taking a quick breath and forcing himself to continue. “I was young, and I was stupid. I thought she was all I wanted, but I never really knew her. She kept me around each time Zowan left, and each time I thought she would stay with me. But she was just using me as a replacement until she could have what she wanted.” The small smile on his face was sad and bitter as he stared down at their hands, tracing his thumb across her palm. “Sound familiar?”
“None of that excuses what I did to you. In fact, it makes it worse, because I should have seen.” Now he did look up into her eyes, and his voice was still quiet but impassioned as he said “Branwen was never what I wanted, never who I loved. I simply thought she was, because I was young and blind and wanted it to be true. But the whole time, every time she discarded me you were there to pick me up. And I always cared for you, Viv, even if I was too much of a bumbling fool to know what to do about it.”
His voice had begun to rise and he became aware that he was squeezing her hand tighter. Branden sat back a little and took a few measured breaths. He had to answer her questions. “You know Zowan and I never got along,” he continued quietly, the bitter understatement almost laughable. “After you left, things got… a little out of hand.” He shook his head as he told her “There was… a confrontation. I’ll tell you about it another time, but afterwards, I left. I couldn’t be there anymore, and I had to find you. When I couldn’t… I went home.”
He lifted her hand in his and touched it lightly to his left cheek, tracing her fingertips over the ugly scar he had seen her eyes linger on. “I went home to Australia, and this..” He let out a short, bitter laugh and his voice was thick with sarcasm. “This… was a gift, from my father.” He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts, then opened them to look again on Vivian’s beautiful face. “I’ll tell you all about it if you want, but I need you to understand.” He squeezed her hand again, cradling it in his own. “You are beautiful to me, Vivian, and you always have been. I’m so glad to have finally found you, more than I can say. But…” He took a breath and paused for a moment, watching her eyes. He didn’t want to say this, but he knew it was the right thing.
Branden slowly removed his hands from Vivian’s, and pulled away a little, saying softly “I understand if you want me to leave. I’ve just turned up in your life out of nowhere, and I know things might be easier without me. I’m not asking anything from you, I don’t expect anything, and you’re right not to trust me. If I could find some way to prove to you that I’m worth one more chance…” He moved slightly away from her on the bed, but he couldn’t bring himself to stand up, not yet. He looked back into her eyes. “If you want me to leave, I’ll go out that door and you’ll never see me again. But if you want me to stay, even for a little while…” He left the sentence hanging, suddenly lost for words. He had told her how he’d felt, tried to make her understand how ashamed he was of how stupid he had once been. Now it was up to Vivian.