Post by Layne F. Larkin on Nov 25, 2010 0:35:12 GMT -5
CHAPTER 4: harry potter and the MST3K FIC OF DOOM
[INT: HOGWARTS - VARIOUS LOCATIONS]
~ The 3 MAIN CHARACTERS are going about the daily business of being FICTIONAL when they are SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY sent to a MYSTERIOUS location ~
-------------------------------------
[INT: STUPIDITY HEADQUARTERS]
HARRY POTTER
fuck, we have been kidnapped by an unseen force of obviously great power. how unlikely.
~ the group is standing in a GLARINGLY WHITE room with exactly TWO couches and a LARGE TELEVISION SCREEN. apparently all MST writers shop at the SAME furniture store, which also happens to be the one used by most HOSPITALS and/or 'MEN IN BLACK' SET DESIGNERS ~
RON WEASLEY (pointedly)
Gee, I wonder who else will be joining us.
~ 5 other 'VICTIMS' fall from the ceiling. This is SUPRISING. They are SNAPE, LUPIN, SIRIUS, MALFOY and PROFESSOR McGONAGALL. Together, they form the EXACT SAME group as every other MST in the UNIVERSE ~
ALL
what the fuck is going on here?
~ they express CONFUSION for several minutes ~
OMNIPOTENT/SCARY/MYSTERIOUS VOICE - AKA: 'THE AUTHOR'
my name is longer than my speaking role!
ALL
wut?
OMNIPOTENT/SCARY/MYSTERIOUS VOICE - AKA: 'THE AUTHOR'
never mind that! the plot of these things says i have imprisoned you all here in order to torture you with extremely badly written stories about yourselves. hopefully you will all go fucking insane and start doing stupid shit so that I can get myself lots of lovely comments.
~ there is a short SILENCE in which EVERYONE in the room tries to KILL the voice - only to discover that they have NO WANDS or POINTY objects. the AUTHOR emits several EVIL LAUGHS, each stolen from the second AUSTIN POWERS movie ~
SNAPE
damn, looks like i'm stuck here with you assholes then.
~ the OBLIGATORY COMPLAINT SESSION begins ~
SIRIUS
snape is a dickhead. i am sure this will be terrible and will express outrage at every chance. however, this will give me the perfect opportunity to expand my completely platonic brotherly relationship with lupin.
LUPIN
damn straight!
MALFOY
i will now complain also. oh woe is me, for I am stuck in a badly decorated room with badly decorated gryffindors. i will have to be extra offensive and say 'mudblood' and shit a lot.
McGONAGALL
i am a sour uptight old bitch, but a lot of MST writers seem to like me for some reason, so I will now be described as 'empowered' and 'fiery' and referred to only as 'minerva'. i will kick all of your asses at regular intervals.
HERMIONE
i am a typical bookworm. i do not have any books presently, particularly 'hogwarts, a history'. this makes me incredibly sad and potentially homicidal.
HARRY
why does everybody want to torture me and shit all the time? what the fuck did I ever do? i fucking wish i'd never been born!
SNAPE
would you like some cheese with that WHINE?
(pause)
tee hee! i made a funny!
O/S/M VOICE
just shut the fuck up and read the damn story! we have another eighty pages to get through!
~ both the READERS and CHARACTERS groan at this moderately DEPRESSING announcement. writing appears on the SCREEN. the gang GRUDGINGLY begin to read. ~
"1 daye @ Hogglewrats Skool"
HERMIONE
argh! bad spelling! this will drive me completely insane in exactly nine sentences, as apparently I care about grammar to the point of obsession! argh!
"hairy poofter wuz totes skiping downe teh halwaye"
HARRY
i do not skip! i will now serve my only purpose of acting almost consistently indignant! or was that 'ignorant'? either way!
~ he YELLS ~
MALFOY
ha ha! i will now make fun of your name! they fucking called you hairy poofter! i am making snide comments! go me! i am in character!
~ HARRY and MALFOY have a FIST FIGHT because they are ENEMIES and that is what HATEFUL ENEMIES do. MINERVA breaks up the fight using GIRL POWER. ~
[
i]"he wuz pikking prettiful flouwers 2 giv his bouyfrend snap!"
[/i][/center]
HARRY/SNAPE
argh! fucking indignation!
LUPIN
you can't pick flowers indoors.
(pause)
well I had to say something, didn't I? My character has no conflicting hang-ups with the others to amuse the readers!
"Thay wer in luve and wanted 2 hav baybees"
SNAPE (to Harry)
in a true act of utter stupidity, i will now take an unnecessarily large amount of points from gryffindor for something you clearly had nothing to do with, despite the fact that we are nowhere near hogwarts! i'm a complete douche! this is funny!
~ we all LAUGH WEAKLY. he does it AGAIN. and AGAIN. and AGAIN. we are ALL getting VERY CRANKY at this display of CONSTANT REPITITION ~
"butt ronnie-inky-duddy-snums"
RON
fuck! they have called me a disgustingly cute name! how humiliating.
"sed 'no! I want too marrie hairy'. then we cayne has they larrgest colecktshun off yelow muckywops inn tha hystorie of frans!"
ALL
...
~ NOBODY has ANY idea of WHAT IN THE HELL the last sentence said, so the AUTHOR uses CUT and PASTE to insert some of the previous DIALOGUE to mask the AWKWARD GAP. interestingly enough - we CANNOT tell the difference ~
RON
every so often, i am supposed to ask why we never need to go to the goddamn bathroom.
MINERVA
we never go to the toilet in real stories anyway, so why would we care about that in here?
RON
so that the author can make use of the words 'loo' or 'potty' or 'number two'. plus i have no other role to play in this thing aside from my 'getting hot headed at malfoy' and 'what the fuck is a [insert muggle thing here]?' bits.
~ RON gets all HOT HEADED at MALFOY for almost NO reason and they have a FIGHT reminiscent of the one a FEW LINES AGO ~
"then sudenly barney tha pruple dynosore ataked! allong with his frends furby, brittany speers and the flufy pink bunnys."
HARRY
well it wouldn't be a proper badfic without us being attacked by random pop culture references and that pink bunny that everybody seems to like writing about, would it?
RON
what the fuck is a furby anway?
HARRY/HERMIONE
it is a muggle thing. now shut the fuck up about it.
RON
kk!
"hary defeeted the evils with his swizzel stik of triumph"
HARRY
errr....no comment?
~ the CUT and PASTE tools are SMOKING from overuse ~
HARRY
wow, what a shitty story this is. ummmm...hermione?
~ he gives HERMIONE a very DISCREET punch in the FACE ~
HERMIONE
oh shit! i almost forgot! it is now time for one of us to completely go off the fucking deep end and i am usually one of the first to go.
*deep breath*
aaaaaaaaaaargh! the punctuation of line seventeen point five was all wrong! and why can't these authors realize that a semi-comma can only be inverted AFTER a new paragraph has been subvented!! oh god help meeeee! the fucking retards! argh!
~ HERMIONE has a large HISSY FIT in which SEVERAL people are INJURED in a highly CONTRIVED way. a few ZANY antics later, a STRAIGHTJACKET appears on HERMIONE and we are all able to MARVEL at the astounding COMICAL WIT of the AUTHOR ~
SIRIUS
i fucking hate you snape.
(pause)
i have to say that every few sentences otherwise people forget I'm here.
MALFOY
mudbloods are dumbfucks.
(another pause)
...me too.
O/S/M VOICE
hmm, this isn't as fucking funny as i hoped, i am going to randomly insert someone else.
TRELAWNEY
i predict shit. watch me be consistently irritating! it's funny i swear!
~ we HATE her ~
EVERYONE
we fucking hate you. fuck off.
~ she DOES ~
ALL
let's get the fuck on with it.
"and thay all went bak to being gay."
~ insert more INDIGNANT comments ~
"thay gotted drunk and thee groop maded owt with eech other all daye in thee slyterine dungens until nevil longbum founded them"
~ even MORE indignation. the AUTHOR'S originality ASTOUNDS us ~
"then voldymortgage invited them ova for tee and crumpets"
O/S/M VOICE
i'm going to fucking insert someone who will be a complete surprise to you.
HARRY
its fucking voldemort isn't it?
O/S/M VOICE
Shit.
~ The aforementioned DARK LORD appears and immediately begins OVER-ACTING. Both the READERS and the CHARACTERS are SCARED, although for totally DIFFERENT reasons ~
VOLDEMORT
muahahaha! i am hideously ugly and mean! bow down at my feet and lick my boots! i am a fucking evil motherfucker!
SIRIUS
you don't have a goddamn wand you dipshit.
HARRY
yeah, you aren't even remotely scary to me now, despite the fact that my head should be hurting like hell right now.
VOLDEMORT
holy shit! you're right! lets be friends!
~ he quickly MORPHS from an EVIL OVERLORD into a NICE and PLEASANT guy ~
MINERVA
you are sexy. let's make out.
~ they fall in LOVE for some odd reason and MAKE OUT and shit. the AUTHOR avoids the UNBELIVEABLY GROSS mental image that is generated by making them both HAWT TEENAGERS ~
O/S/M VOICE
ha ha ha ha! how are you liking your torture so far?
LUPIN
it's not that bad actually. i mean, if you think about it, this isn't such a bad situation after all. we don't need to work or pay bills or even relieve our waste! we just have to read a dopey story that never actually happened once in awhile! i don't know why everyone's acting so upset about it.
~ LUPIN is chucked out of the room for MAKING SENSE ~
O/S/M VOICE
don't listen to him. he's just having his 'time of the month'.
RON
...wut?
O/S/M VOICE
oh, nevermind, you stupid shit
"in the end, everyboddy getted marryed. minnie-nerva mcgonads felled in luv wit snapey-plop, ronny-wonny had an affare with trelawny, hermionineione had sixty hundred babies wit malofy and everywun else dyed of hepatitus bee"
SNAPE
shit guys! lets all over-react!
~ the scene with HERMIONE is REPLAYED only with DIFFERENT people's names INSERTED via the CUT and PASTE tools ~
MALFOY
please let that be the end. i am so sick of being hit with that same damn chair all the time. find some more inventive weapons for fuck's sake!
"but that wasent thee end!"
ALL
fuckety fuck fuck fuck!
"thair wer meny moore adventures to come even tho thay r ded. hehehehe!"
HARRY
well folks, i guess we'll be here for a long ti-
FANFICTION.NET (bursting in)
stop! stop this shit right now! we fucking hate these stories!
RON
...wut?
FANFICTION.NET
these stories are nothing but blatant plagurism! you take these authors stories and make fun of them! plagurism! take them away!
SNAPE
but isn't that what your website is all about? stealing other people's ideas and characters? plagiarism is everywhere on here!
HARRY
yeah! we belong to jk rowling! none of the fucking authors here have her permission to use us! and most of the fics in an MST are used with permission from the author anyway!
FANFICTION.NET
shut the fuck up! we're not listening! we don't like them and that's all that matters! now where the fuck's my prune juice?
wonderful. you're here. let the domestic violence begin!
HARRY
oh...goodie.
~ the DURSLEYS subject HARRY to many CRUEL, PAINFUL and OUT OF CHARACTER punishments ~
HARRY
hasn't anybody noticed that you've only just started to beat me and shit now that i am physically able to defend myself? if you fuck faces really were the types to to beat the living shit out of someone for no reason, wouldn't you have done it back when i was a weenie little shrimp?
VERNON
what the fuck have i told you about making sense potter?
HARRY
but-
VERNON
the last chapter already got shut down because it began making fucking sense, so don't you go and start that shit in this one too. we haven't insulted nearly enough people yet! now go off to your cupboard and nurse your injuries!
~ HARRY leaves for his CUPBOARD, the AUTHOR conveniently IGNORING the fact that he is supposed to have an ACTUAL bedroom now ~
~ HARRY is DROWNING in SELF-PITY. in fact, it is SO BAD that he has started using INTOLERABLY BAD METAPHORS ~
HARRY
my life is like swimming through a hubcap full of infected toenails. every morning i wake to a pain in my heart that is as intense as a fire in a lingerie factory.
~ it has now been established that HARRY is unnaturally DEPRESSED. we all feel EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to him via his SUFFERING ~
HARRY
why did my parents have to die, leaving me all alone in the world? why must I be doomed to suffer the same shit year after year?
~ HARRY wrestles with INNER DEMONS until it is time for HOGWARTS ~
[INT: THE PIT OF DARKNESS OR WHEREVER THE FUCK THE MALFOYS LIVE]
DRACO
i exude an aura of complete confidence and douchbaggery at all times, yet according to angst writers i am plagued by inner conflict and shit.
~ he looks WISTFUL ~
DRACO
my father is a cruel and sadistic fuck who wishes me to become an evil death eater like him. how can I tell him of my secret desire to become a gryffindor and raise fluffy white puppies on a cozy little farm with hermione? or is it the life of a needlessly evil criminal that i want? i am so fucking confused.
~ his facial expressions SWITCH intermittently between 'ANGELIC' and 'DEMONIC' for SEVERAL paragraphs, until he is simply left looking CONFUSED and IRRITABLE. this look NEVER leaves his face again. ~
LUCIUS
i have a wonderful new game for you to play draco.
~ he looks SINISTER ~
DRACO
is it 'let's all burn disturbing images and shit onto our forearms' again?
LUCIUS
nope, this game is way more fucking fun than that.
DRACO
sodopoly? who wants to rape and torture a millionaire's son? wheel of misfortune and terror?
LUCIUS
shut the fuck up you dipshit. we're supposed to be creating tension here. this is a serious fucking story with serious fucking issues, not an advertisement for lousy board game rip-offs
DRACO (resigned)
*sigh* what have you got up your sleeve this time father?
LUCIUS
i'm not saying anything until you address me with a capital 'F'.
DRACO
sorry Father
~ LUCIUS smiles in an OVERLY CREEPY, WOODY ALLEN - TYPE way. This smile can ONLY mean ONE thing ~
LUCIUS
it's a lovely activity called 'incest' my dear boy. a game the whole family can play!
~ he then proceeds to RAPE his own SON without MERCY and without LUBRICATION of any sort. This is ALL described in GRAPHIC DETAIL for AT LEAST thirty lines. We are so APPALLED we want to VOMIT all over the monitor ~
NARCISSA
i am frail and abused. i desperately want to save my only child from this terrible life of pain and torture, but cannot be bother to actually do shit.
~ RON is looking MELANCHOLY. this is yet another GRIPPING DEVELOPMENT ~
HERMIONE
oh shit, not you too ron! why is everybody so suicidal all of a sudden? nothing's even happened to you yet!
RON
exactly! three scenes into this shit and this is the first time i've fucking been mentioned! nobody fucking cares about me. my life is shit.
~ the READERS all YAWN simultaneously ~
HERMIONE
ron, we're not meant to be the focus of these stories. harry's the star of this series, that's why we have 'supporting character' written on our name tags. besides, you were mentioned a whole two lines before me!
RON
no I wasn't! draco was talking about you in his monologue!
HERMIONE
o rly? i thought the author edited me out so she wouldn't offend the d/g shippers.
~ RON looks SOUR ~
RON
apparently not. look, i don't give a flying fuck what you say. i have a severe inferiority complex and there's nothing you can do about it! i hate Harry! he's always stealing my thunder!
HERMIONE
it isn't his fault that you are a talentless shithead.
RON
i don't care! i'm still going to get needlessly bitchy and betray him in four scenes anyway! I'll show everybody that I'm not just comic relief! i'll make them all PAY! muahahahaha!
~ RON turns EVIL in WORLD RECORD time. he runs off to PLOT in DARK CORNERS and develop SHIFTY EYES ~
well shit! they fucking left me at home! dammit! this was supposed to be the scene where I start sensing evil everywhere with my dark magic radar thing that everyone always insists on giving me in this kind of fanfiction.
~ we hear CRICKETS chirping ~
GINNY
why does that always happen after i say shit?
~ GINNY, realising that i have been IGNORING her for the past FOUR chapters for NO REASON at all, begins to DRINK HEAVILY ~
so you see hagrid, i firmly believe that my rhetorical development has had residual effects on my inner persona, which is caused but my sociological tendencies to delve deep into the mysteries surrounding my life.
~ by this point, the READERS are so FED UP with the pointless reflection, they are actually HOPING for another DISTURBING RAPE scene ~
HAGRID
bin watching daws'ns creek again 'arry?
HARRY
maybe. but what would your advice be?
HAGRID
well, 'fer you ter prop'ly understand yer 'eritage, yer simp'ly must get der 'arangolyn in yer lib'ry there an' work terwards yer 'ol go'ls.
~ in ADDITION to being HUNGRY and UTTERLY BORED, the poor READERS now have to figure out WHAT in the HELL HAGRID just said and try to get it to make SENSE ~
why didn't I get my own series? i'm almost an orphan. i can be just as interesting as Potter can! nobody ever gives me more than two lines to say, they just cut me off at th-
~ VOLDEMORT is there. He has just finished RAPING some nameless FIRST-YEARS ~
DRACO
holy shit, it's you! erm, I mean...what are you doing here o' badasss master of evil? how the fuck did you get in?
VOLDEMORT
hagrid's been keeping me as a pet for some time now. he is a very...affectionate man.
~ there is a AWKWARD PAUSE ~
VOLDEMORT
but never mind that now; i have a task for you. if you succeed, you will become a death eater and live a life of misery by my side. if you fail, then p will personally peel all of your skin off, squeeze the juice from your limp body and rape your corpse.
DRACO
and people fucking wonder why I'm depressed and shit all the time. what is the task, my lord?
~ the READERS are now nearly SOILING THEMSELVES in SUSPENSE at their first PLOT-SIGHTING ~
VOLDEMORT
you must seduce hermionegGranger and knock her up with your devil spawn!
DRACO
hey man, don't be dissing my spawn like that. may i ask why the fuck you want me to do this?
VOLDEMORT
because I'm sterile. now fuck off, i've got more raping to do.
DRACO
whatever. it's not like I've never seduced anyone before. gee, i sure hope i don't develop feelings (or a personality) in the short time i actually spend with her.
~ DRACO and HERMIONE are talking SEDUCTIVELY. For some reason, HERMIONE is in a NEGLIGEE ~
HERMIONE
stop looking down at my heaving breasts. i don't want to sleep with you.
~ the MALE READERS are now FULLY AWAKE ~
DRACO
i want you bad hermione. i'm a changed man.
HERMIONE
i don't fucking believe you. you are scum between my toes.
~ they play clever MINDGAMES ~
HERMIONE
i still don't fucking believe you.
~ he gives her a DEEP and MEANINGFUL stare with his SEDUCTIVE grey eyes. the FEMALE READERS go all SWOONY ~
HERMIONE
even now, i still don't fucking believe you.
~ he does a GRATUITOUS NUDE sequence ~
HERMIONE
damn son, why didn't you show me that shit before?
~ the events that follow are only MODERATELY creepy. the AUTHOR has single-handedly CRASHED 'thesaurus.com' in writing this EXPLICIT LOVE SCENE in such a way as to undoubtedly prove that they have NEVER BEEN LAID. somewhere in the MIDDLE of all of this HERMIONE and DRACO have fallen in LOVE ~
hello remus. let's have an awkward moment in which we have flashbacks to when we suspected each other of treachery.
~ they DO ~
SIRIUS
let us now exchange harsh words in an attempt to justify our feelings of guilt.
~ they TALK. This is followed by MORE TALKING, some DISSCUSSION, a DEBATE, some pointless INNEUNDO and a spot of TEA ~
LUPIN
well, it's been brilliant chatting with you, but I really must dash off and endure several hours of blinding pain, in which I will blame myself for everything bad in the world.
SIRIUS
kk. i'll just go and have nightmares about my torturous years in azkaban.
~ this is officially the FIFTIETH POINTLESS CONFRONTATION scene in the story. HERMIONE is as BIG as a HOUSE. we have absolutely NO IDEA what is about to be REVEALED to us ~
HERMIONE
draco, I'm pregnant.
DRACO
score! i knew i was good for something! when is it due?
HERMIONE
tomorrow.
DRACO
wut? how does that work? we only got together last week!
HERMIONE
who cares? the whole point of angst fics is to get us into situations we wouldn't normally be in, and as fast as humanly possible.
ron, you've been acting a bit strange lately. Is there anything wrong?
~ RON'S EYES SHINE RED while he pukes up GREEN SLIME and ROTATES his head 360 DEGREES, and does NAUGHTY things with his WAND and CURSES HARRY'S RIGHT TO LIVE ~
RON
nope.
~ RON smirks at HARRY. It is fairly OBVIOUS that he has been CORRUPTED by EVIL ~
HARRY
good. you are my bestest friend Ron. i'd be lost without you.
~ they play a BRIEF game of QUIDDITCH, but HARRY and DRACO are too busy with their EMOTIONAL DISCORD to do anything interesting, so the game is abruptly CANCELLED to make room for more MONOLOGUES ~
-------------------------------------------------
[INT: A LARGE CHAMBER OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT]
~ after a MULTITUDE of THINKING and TALKING and BETRAYAL and PAIN and much RAPING, we have finally arrived at the so-called 'CLIMAX' of the story. ~
VOLDEMORT
i am here to kill you harry potter!
(pause)
...again!
HARRY
noooo! how the fuck did you know where to find me?
~ RON steps forward. He looks OMINOUS ~
RON
it was me, my old friend! it was i who betrayed you! i have gone over to the dark side!
~ the CHARACTERS present at the time GASP at this SHOCKING TWIST which is completely RUINED for the READERS by the fact that we already KNEW about it FIVE SCENES AGO ~
HARRY
but...why ron? i thought we were best friends.
RON
we were, until some kid with a keyboard decided to fuck everything up.
~ HARRY makes a STIRRING speech about BROTHERHOOD and LOYALTY. consequentially, RON is CONFLICTED as a result, but not enough to actually CARE ~
RON
nah, i think i'll kill you anyway. i'll still have my groupies.
~ the RON FAN CLUB cheers loudly, blindly REFUSING to accept RON'S new EVIL STATUS ~
DRACO
father, i don't think i want to be a fucking death eater anymore.
LUCIUS
i'll kill you, you pansy-ass little shit.
~ SUDDENLY, everything goes to HELL ~
EVERYONE
i'll wound/kill/rape you!
~ SEVERAL HUNDRED things happen all AT ONCE. here is the ABRIDGED version of events:
VOLDEMORT kills DUMBLEDORE
HARRY kills RON and is consequently VERY UPSET
CHO CHANG appears out of nowhere only to be a BITCH for FIVE SECONDS before getting RAPED and KILLED in a grisly and DISTURBING manner
HERMIONE then DIES in CHILDBIRTH
PETTIGREW runs AWAY and WETS his pants.
FRED and GEORGE engage in INCEST
GINNY slowly DRINKS herself into a COMA
SNAPE kills LUCIUS in ANGER and then murders SIRIUS (just for shits and giggles)
LUPIN goes MAD from something WEREWOLF-RELATED
HAGRID is CASTRATED for no good reason
several MUGGLES are RAPED and TORTURED ~
VOLDEMORT
none of that matters to me potter. once you are dead, i can finally take over the world.
HARRY
i suppose a happy life was simply not meant to be. i cannot be the flawless hero this time. I have failed in my destiny.
~ HARRY then DIES in a highly DRAMATIC way ~
THE READERS
what the fuck? Did evil just win?
~ we are all DEEPLY CONCERNED about the AUTHOR'S emotional STABILITY ~
DRACO
i'm still not dead yet, despite feeling i have nothing to live for now that hermione is gone.
~ DRACO makes a DRAMATIC gesture of self-sacrifice KILLING both himself and VOLDEMORT at once ~
DRACO (melodramatically)
goodbye heartless world of cruelty and horror.
THE AUTHOR
i was sick of harry being the fucking hero. i love harry potter though, and i am sorry i killed almost every single character in a horribly savage way and made their last months alive miserable. please comment!
Post by Layne F. Larkin on Jul 16, 2012 16:00:24 GMT -5
after an extended HIATUS, i bring you:
CHAPTER 6: harry potter and the FUCKING SONGFIC
[INT: DUNGEONS]
~ it is VERY HOT. we continually have this fact DRILLED into our subconscious via the use of many SYNONYMS ~
HARRY
hot damn, it is hot.
RON
right you are Harry. the sheer fucking hotness of this heatitude is so overwhelming. hot hot hot. do you think the readers have gotten the point yet?
HARRY
better repeat that shit a few more times.
RON
sizzling heat! warm! scorching! humid!
~ SOMEHOW the weather conditions APPEAR to INDUCE an incredibly STUPID singing and dancing EXTRAVAGANZA ~
HERMIONE
i suddenly feel compelled to sing about heat.
~ HERMIONE sings 'HOT IN HERE' by NELLY. This is both EXCITING and RELEVANT ~
HERMIONE (singing)
it's getting hot in here! so take off all your clothes!
SNAPE (also singing)
i am... get-ting... so hot! i'm gunna take my clothes off!
~ They DO NOT do this - much to the DISAPPOINTMENT of the perverted SNAPE/HERMIONE SHIPPERS ~
READERS
hooray! this is just like that musical scrubs episode! the only difference being that we can't actually hear them and this is actually boring as fuck! woo!
RON
this is quite strange. i wonder what's causing this whimsical phenomenon?
NEVILLE
well, shit! it seems as though i've accidentally created a 'make everybody sing annoyingly' potion out of water, citric acid and condensed stupidity.
~ DUMBLEDORE enters and shrugs AMIABLY ~
DUMBLEDORE
that sounds like as good as reason as any to stage a talent show.
-----------------------------------------------
[INT: FIRST ANNUAL HOGWARTS ROCK/RAP/POP FESTIVAL]
~ ROUTINES are being REHEARSED and dances moves PERFECTED ~
RON
so what - do I grab my crotch before or after I make derogatory comments about my mother?
SEAMUS
after, bro, definitely after.
RON
word.
~ MEANWHILE... ~
McGONAGALL
honestly albus, there is simply no excuse for this! the students should be studying, not prancing around in gold hotpants! not to mention the fact that most of these children have the vocal range of a dying mime artist.
DUMBLEDORE
quiet, or I'll sign you up for a raunchy christina aguilera number. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on now!
~ he suddenly begins to channel AVRIL LAVIGNE ~
DUMBLEDORE
he was a sk8ter boi! she sed cya l8ter boi! he wuzznt good enuf 4 her!
She hd a prty fac3 bt hrr hed wuz up in spce omg txt me MOFUGGIN DINAHSO'S Oh, why that does indeed tickle my fancy!.
READERS
dafuq he just say?
AVRIL LAVIGNE
U MOFUGGIN DINAHSO'S r so uncultured.
~ the READERS all shrug SIMULTANEOUSLY ~
SNAPE
is this the part where i sing bubblegum pop songs and shit for comic effect?
DRACO
not yet, first i must have my dramatic celine dion solo about my crushing angst and--
~ we are all DISTRACTED by HARRY'S sudden NUDE rendition of the ENTIRE collected works of EVANESCENCE ~
HARRY
i've cleverly altered the words so that it reflects my deep and undying love for ginny/hermione/cho/filch.
~ he takes a DEEP BREATH. many people FLEE to the FOUR CORNERS of the globe ~
HARRY
"wake me up inside... wake me up inside... call my name and save me from the Dark (Lord) bid my wand to run before I come undone save me from the Squib I've become briiiiiing meeee to liiiiife!"
READERS
bullshit! you've just inserted random potterverse keywords into the lyrics!
RON
yo, potter them be da tightest fucking tunes this side o' hogzmeade. keep it real!
~ INSERT the RAPPIN' RON demo disk ~
RON
will the real ron weasley please stand up! i gots somethin' to say to y'all and it goes like this...[REMAINDER OF SONG CENSORED]
~ GINNY then starts to sing 'LADY MARMALADE' because she is a CHEAP WHORE ~
GINNY
voo-lay voo coo-chay avek mwa, say-swar!
~ all speakers of FRENCH go INSANE with rage at the author's PAINFUL translation ~
GINNY (cont'd)
gucci gucci yah yah dada! gucci gucci yah yah heeere! mocha caffe latte yah yah! i am lady marmalaaaaaaaade!
~ GINNY has the shit beaten out of her by the READERS ~
DUMBLEDORE
we will now have a brief interlude, in which sirius and remus will gaze into each other's eyes whilst a startlingly relevant song plays softly in the background.
----------------------------------------
[INT: THE SHRIEKING LOVE SHACK]
~ REMUS and SIRIUS are embroiled in a FIGHT. There is much ROMANTIC TENSION and incredibly FLUFFY DIALOGUE ~
SIRIUS
oh reemy my little lovebundle! i'm so sorry i upset the delicate balance of our relationship with my foolish pigheadedness. please forgive me, my sweet fragile kisslamb!
~ The INEVITABLE happens, much to our DISGUST ~
♪♫every night in my dreams i see you, i feel you. that is how i know you go on...♪♫
DRACO
hey! you twatwaffles stole my song for harry! this was going to be my moment of saccharine glory! mine!
~ he LEAVES to embark on his SOLO TOUR ~
♪♫far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you go on♪♫
~ insert LOVING GAZE and FEMININE GIGGLING here ~
♪♫near, far, wherever you are i believe that the heart does go on... once more you open the door and you're here in my heart and my heart will go on and on...♪♫
~ the song goes ON. And ON and ON and ON ~
SIRIUS
did my attempt to manipulate your emotions in a cheap and tasteless way work?
REMUS
oh my darling cuddlecake! i wuvv you again!
~ they EMBRACE beneath a TWILIGHT MOON in the shade of a GLISTENING LAKE. There are FIREWORKS in the background ~
RANDOM NARRATOR
and now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming...
----------------------------------------
[INT: YOUR REGULARLY SCHELDULED PROGRAMMING]
~ COLIN CREEVEY has just finished dedicating a song to HARRY, who is now clutching a DOZEN RED ROSES and a 24-carat ENGAGEMENT RING ~
HARRY
oh this is bad! this is very bad!
SNAPE
pfft...i grow weary of your trivial adolescent anxiety potter. go and cry me a river.
~ HERMIONE runs in. she is predictably TOO LATE in voicing the SOLUTION ~
HERMIONE
oh no! professor! you unwittingly said the title of a song! that's the trigger for the curse!
SNAPE
you mean...?
HERMIONE
yes!...justin timberlake!
SNAPE
fuck.
~ SNAPE begins to sing in a HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL whilst dancing ENTHUSIASTICALLY ~
we should be okay, just as long as we're extremely careful not to mention any more song titles. remember--it works best when you say nothing at all.
~ There is a MOMENTARY PAUSE as HERMIONE attempts to explore her relationship with RON through the WONDER of RONAN KEATING ~
HARRY
everybody! start monitoring your dialogue!
RON
oh come on harry! just a little bit more snoop dogg. please?
DRACO
...and it's about time I had my wistful solo! i've got a thirty-piece orchestra all set up and everything!
HARRY
fuck that shit!
RON
you're just saying that because nobody ever likes your songfics, since they always revolve around some shitty alternative band whining about loneliness and emotional isolation.
HARRY
shut the fuck up! no more singing, no more titles, no more dancing. that's it.
~ LUPIN dashes in ~
LUPIN
i'm sad. you know why? it's because i can't fight the moonlight and have been forced to escape from my intuition. but it's okay, because i'm a fighter, i will survive and my heart will go on.
(pause)
as long as you love me.
ALL
aaaargh!!!
~ the SUICIDE HOTLINE is flooded with calls ~
MADONNA
wait! do i get fucking royalties from this shit or what?
«Call a friend, call Cyan.» «Cyan - play it!» «Things go better with Cyan.» «Food or Cyan? I'll have Cyan.» «Cyan is a female force. «I want Cyan and I want it now.» «Oh my gods, it's a Cyan.» - Courtesy of www.sloganizer.net/en/ -
Teagan Offline: This board is full of nostalgia.
Aug 22, 2020 8:39:09 GMT -5
Missing the old MH: gotta say missing when MH and all that was around.
Nov 6, 2019 0:02:30 GMT -5
Willow_lazy: why tf are there 400 posts about adidas
Sept 6, 2018 17:35:57 GMT -5
Azrael: I'm not hard to find, since I'm the only one there who goes by "Azzy", I'm pretty sure. XD
Feb 10, 2018 16:44:41 GMT -5
Azrael: Dunno if anyone still pops by here from time to time, but if any of you mofos do and still feel like gettin' yo nerd on, I've been hanging around this here place a bunch recently: www.roleplayerguild.com/
Feb 10, 2018 16:44:10 GMT -5
Azrael: hold onto your pantaloons
Jul 25, 2016 5:16:43 GMT -5